I Need To Shit

ARGH! I NEED TO SHIT!

I brisk-walking to get home as fast as I can.

Earlier today at home I already taken two trips taking my shit out of me, last night nasi minyak with ayam masak merah prepared by Mimie gave a big punch on my stomach. Or maybe because I just had my lunch at the kebab house top with chili sauce and chili flakes that makes me return back to home. Whatever it’s, it got to be coming from what I ate.

I was on my way to this bike shop that provide bike tour around Prague, I’m interested with their outdoor bike activity through the woods and country side, mountain biking, sounds fun, I could check it out during my stay in Prague. The shop is on the other side of the river of Prague from where I’m coming from, as I’m quarter to go crossing the bridge, there was a gnawing pain in my stomach, I knew that I had to make a deposit to the bank after so many earlier sign given by my tummy I ignored. There is no other place that I can imagine to go other than the house’s toilet, I knew it’s far but being asians, that is where I want to go. Based on my rough calculation I’m about one and a half kilometers away from home. Making the walk while trying to hold your shits on is harder than what I could imagine, this could be a new torture for police interrogation.

Half way through the walk of pain I surrender, I start to look for bush to take a dump or I could just shit in my pant. It’s not the first time that I shit in my pant since I graduated from diapers academy, most recent one was few months before I left my job, the prime suspect was roti canai jagung at the corner on the way to Kerteh’s airport. I was one step away from entering the toilet before it happened, just a step away. Luckily it was a home toilet.

As soon as I see a WC sign and the water closet that looks like Futurama’s tube transport system, I knew I couldn’t handle this situation anymore, the crap inside my its automatically going down faster, like water making it was to the smallest crack on a dam that been seal by chewing gum. I stand in front of the water closet, reading the Czech and English sign.

5 Kč!? Fifteen minutes!?? What is this?!? Pay phone??! What happened after fifteen minutes?!! The door automatically opens??? I will be transported to another water closet?!! Fuck this shit!!!

Run my hands down taking out my exact 5 Kč from my pocket, my legs already twisted like french braids holding the last defense. The door automatically slide and as soon as the door open, just like what I expected, dirty like a Yannick’s neighbor backyard minus the pig.

Should I sit on it??? Should I squat on it??? Should I just hover it??? Where’s the toilet paper??? Where’s the water???

I couldn’t hold it anymore, I put my ass just at the edge on the toilet lid and just do my job. The sounds of the crap coming out is like sauce coming out from the bottle being squeeze.

PREEETTTTTTTTTT!!!

An inevitable gastrointestinal apocalypse. My asshole is on fire.

Phew~

Half relief and half panic, I didn’t keep my eyes on the watch.

How long has it been? One minute? Five minutes? What if the door suddenly open? What if the door suddenly didn’t open?

I keep my right hand on the door’s handle and the other one on my private making sure it doesn’t touch whatever it not suppose to be touch. I’ve a bad experience imprint in my memories about using public toilet, it was during my primary school when I was ten years old. Like any school’s toilets, it was bad, awful, dirty, smelly you named it. But that day I really need to let it go, I gather all my strength and entered the dark toilet cause the lights is not working. My worst nightmare come after that, people coming in the toilet.

“Pergh! Bau taik!” Grumbled one of the them, then laughed at his own unreasonableness.

Sape dalam tu?” the other one tried to push my toilet’s door. Based on the voice I knew it was the standard six students.

Saye bang,” I nervously replied. Push back the door.

I left the door a little bit open to let the light from outside coming in but it was bad mistake, that moment back and fourth few times.

“Oh – budak darjah empat,” he says before all of them left the toilet.

It was nothing about sexually abuse or traumatizing but from that moment I avoid using public toilet, if I have to use one I will make sure that the toilet that I’m going to used have enough light, running water, squat toilet, preferably with sound-proof-type-room to avoid any unwelcoming sounds.

I don’t want to spend much time being there, as soon as my belly slow down, with no water, no toilet paper, with heavy heart, I put back my jeans on.

ARGH!

Though I’m in a complete mess of room with rubbish and what ever stain on that floor, I do feel oblique to flush the toilet only to found that the knob is no where to found. Then, I try to figure out how to open the door. I push down the lever and slide it few times before it open by itself. The water closet’s door is like electronic door in metro where it slide after a gentle touch on the door panel.

My asshole is on fire from that burning sensation. Walking back for almost nine hundred meters back home feels like I’m being watched by whole Pražan. All I’m thinking right now I want to take a shower.

I’m infected.

The Loo

The Loo